There are little things that people do and say… when I’m having a particularly hard time I think about them. I think about what I still want to learn. Who I still want to know. What I still want to experience.
The past few months.. okay years, it’s been pretty heavily rooted in the content I love. Mainly the Vlogbrothers, and now even more so Ze Frank. Music, books, television, and other things of that nature as well.
I would guess that my main driving force is that I have a deep and unwavering love for stories. I want to know what happens to the people I care about. It doesn’t matter if they know or care that I, specifically, exist, what matters is that I care that they exist, and I want to see them happy and all the amazing things they decide to do with their lives. I like to see how someone like Ze can be like “make a surprise for me?” just kind of offhand, and the response will be a bunch of people willing to work so hard to get him that surprise. Willing to take off time from, like, actual jobs to make it happen.
I like to see how a bunch nerdfighters would be willing to lend a hand to some kid stuck in a foreign country who has lost his passport, whether that meant letting them crash on their couch for a couple nights or simply retweeting or reblogging a link.
Sometimes it’s sad. If only because my mental calendar, the one I use as a “Keep going! It’s worth it!” reminder, looks basically like
Monday: Ze
Tuesday: John
Wednesday: Ze
Thursday: Suits (or sleep.. because seasons…)
Friday: Hank & Ze
Saturday: Doctor Who
Sunday: sleep god damnit… maybe a movie or a book as well.
If that’s not enough to get me through the week I try to remember that museum thing in Santa Cruz that’s happening in January. VidCon in the summer… Two new Green Day albums in the next few months…
These are all things I have to be alive if I want to see, right? Right.
It’s still hard, not going to lie. You saw me last week, it was bad. Probably worse that I made it out to be… I mean sometimes it still feels like anything would be better than having to keep trying, to keep being alive. But I made it through right? I did. I know it’s scary sometimes, because it seems like I’m literally living from video to video. But I’m still alive.
One day I will convince myself that everything will be okay. I can’t believe it right now, for whatever reason. My emotional shit is basically overriding all reasoning and logic. But I’m trying.
I am trying.
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i know some of you guys are in this hole too… stay with me. and, if you want to talk… you know. lots of ways, it’s all fine. i’ve even made a special secret post for you.
